The Art of Plugging Away

Wow, I haven't done an 'The Art of Plugging Away' post for a hot minute, huh? 

[This post originally on Bluesky] Episode 4 just needs 3 pages left before I migrate files to FireAlpaca for coloring, sfx, and finishing touches! [Bsky]

*Rant time* There's ppl on FB who actually know me IRL, and there's a few family members & folks on Twitter who know me IRL. So, I'm going to vent here: I work a 5pm-1am on average with this webcomic. 

Whether it's scripting, character design, storyboarding, learning my chosen software, I need to do this.

I've tried to work a 9-5. I've tried different jobs over the years. But I work a few months. I may even work a few years with a handful of jobs. But the same things always ends up happening: my mental health tanks. I get depressed, social anxiety, panic attacks, etc. Or this chronically-ill body gives out on me, somehow.

 

I realized from 2017 (right when I finished and graduated from a master's program) that I just am too neurodivergent and chronically sick to work like others. And maybe some of these jobs were just too toxic for me. 

Regardless of the whys, working to self-publish my artwork and writings is my last shot. I don't know what more to do. I don't know what else to do.

This Is What I Can Do Now

I was about to make this a tweet thread and just decided to blog about it instead. Was reading my latest favorite webcomic (a Furry sport romance, no less), when one of the characters said that ice skating needs to work out for them because they don't know anything else. And I felt that. 

And no, I have had multiple jobs over the years that taught me a multitude of skills and helped me gain abilities I didn't know I had. I am considered over-qualified when I applied at different workplaces. 

However, in my more just world, I would have attended a technical school, worked under the apprenticeship of a known artist/artisan, and built my career more organically. The problem is, I wasn't expecting to have reached this age, and now feel like I'm "winging it" through life. Sick-unto-death, is how my mom will describe it, and I have nearly died several times over the years. 

Since I have chronic health problems, I have spent time reading and loving books. I have been able to get through school and work because I actually do enjoy reading, learning, and researching.

However, in my case, "The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak". Once I've been at a job for some months to a few/couple (depending on if you're US or UK) years, a mental/emotional malaise comes over me, and my physical body begins to break down. In other words, my anxiety and "mild" depression begins to kick in, and my body begins to break down in whatever way, shape, or form my illnesses, disorders, and other health conditions also act up, and I begin to arrive late to work, taking sick/mental days more, or until I finally just... 

What I'm saying is, I'm trying my damnnest to work on my art and writing because THIS IS ALL I CAN DO THAT WON'T  BE DISRUPTED BY MY CHRONIC HEALTH ISSUES. I need to do everything I can, now I'm in my 40s, to make this my life's work and career because, though I have the skills and plenty of experience and job-training, my body won't let me.

Sorry for being a downer post, but this is the reality I have before me. I didn't expect to live this long. I hadn't made plans this far ahead because I didn't expect to reach this age. My original love of writing and art will have to be it because I don't have the stamina to do anything else. 

Like my Jamaican mom says, "You have the mind. Not the behind." 

Thanks again for being patient with my ranting, dear readers.  Until next time...