This Is What I Can Do Now

I was about to make this a tweet thread and just decided to blog about it instead. Was reading my latest favorite webcomic (a Furry sport romance, no less), when one of the characters said that ice skating needs to work out for them because they don't know anything else. And I felt that. 

And no, I have had multiple jobs over the years that taught me a multitude of skills and helped me gain abilities I didn't know I had. I am considered over-qualified when I applied at different workplaces. 

However, in my more just world, I would have attended a technical school, worked under the apprenticeship of a known artist/artisan, and built my career more organically. The problem is, I wasn't expecting to have reached this age, and now feel like I'm "winging it" through life. Sick-unto-death, is how my mom will describe it, and I have nearly died several times over the years. 

Since I have chronic health problems, I have spent time reading and loving books. I have been able to get through school and work because I actually do enjoy reading, learning, and researching.

However, in my case, "The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak". Once I've been at a job for some months to a few/couple (depending on if you're US or UK) years, a mental/emotional malaise comes over me, and my physical body begins to break down. In other words, my anxiety and "mild" depression begins to kick in, and my body begins to break down in whatever way, shape, or form my illnesses, disorders, and other health conditions also act up, and I begin to arrive late to work, taking sick/mental days more, or until I finally just... 

What I'm saying is, I'm trying my damnnest to work on my art and writing because THIS IS ALL I CAN DO THAT WON'T  BE DISRUPTED BY MY CHRONIC HEALTH ISSUES. I need to do everything I can, now I'm in my 40s, to make this my life's work and career because, though I have the skills and plenty of experience and job-training, my body won't let me.

Sorry for being a downer post, but this is the reality I have before me. I didn't expect to live this long. I hadn't made plans this far ahead because I didn't expect to reach this age. My original love of writing and art will have to be it because I don't have the stamina to do anything else. 

Like my Jamaican mom says, "You have the mind. Not the behind." 

Thanks again for being patient with my ranting, dear readers.  Until next time...

2022 is closing...

As 2022 draws to a close... 

There has been a family mental health crisis.

A high school commencement. 

An acceptance into an HBCU. 

A sudden death of a family member in the original home country. 

And then a sudden health crisis(me!) that took me to my primary care, urgent care, and later, the emergency room.

So many tasks and responsibilities I had in mind. I managed to do some later than others.

Now as the year draws to a close, my Christmas brings my siblings to celebrate with us, depression that has assailed me, worries about re-employment, new physical challenges that have grown worse due to a pre-existing condition. 

I feel a sense of hope and optimism as what many of the worries at the early start of 2022 worked out or things went into a different trajectory. This Christmas felt a blessing from a month-long health emergency and the support from family and friends. 

However you spend your winter season break, may you have a restful and the support from kindness, compassion, and empathy. 

May 2023 bring all I wish for us and more.

"Cursory Cursive Curses" or "My Life as a Left-hander"

When I write, it inspires awe. I am gawked at like a creature in a zoo enclosure.

I smear my words and numbers like a 'schmear' of cream cheese, like what they say in my birthplace NYC, The Bronx.

"I didn't know you were left-handed." people would say.

I didn't know I was either, I want to answer back. 

"You're writing with the wrong hand," some guy once told me, trying to be cute.

Well that's because you're talking from the wrong end, I thought. How about I slap you and you see if there's any difference?

But alas, I am not quick with the quips.

 

By the way, I want to badly ask: what sorts of folks were you all hanging with that you can now be prejudiced toward an entire hand-dominant group? Was it some cult? And what was it named? Cult of the Sinister? A Cult of Lefties! Beware and be afraid! *blows a raspberry while I do a left-hand thumbs down*

 

Folks learning I'm left-handed after an entire semester.

"I didn't know you were left-handed," sounded like an accusation.

"I've had bad experiences with lefties."

Huh? I thought. 

 

Later, I guess you thought I was Sinister. Ha ha. Left-hand joke. Sinister from the Latin means "left-handed" as Dexter means "right-handed". Told you I'm not quick with those quips.

Catholic Liturgy at Barry University. A monk taught the course. He was young, funny, and I think he had orange-brown hair. He found out he and I were both Lefties. He made a joke about those on the right-hand of God will be deemed righteous. He said that meant me and him would be in trouble in the Last Days. I was the only one that laughed. The rest of the class was not amused. 

 

"That isn't funny!" a right-handed classmate later told me.

"Yes, it was." I told her. "Lighten up."

And why were YOU offended, Righty? I should be the one. 

 

History and human culture has often made lefties the butt of human prejudices and misunderstandings ever since the ancient Romans, with their high and obnoxious opinions of themselves, who not only helped to shape Western psychology, philosophy, politics, and culture, but made it wrong to use one's left hand. The handshake came from them and they made it wrong to use the left. They also changed the writing system so only the right don't smear, but right now, I can. Curse you, Ancient Romans! Curse you.

For thousands of years, lefties in different cultures were tortured and murdered. Hundreds of years made them pariahs across religions and faith systems. School authorities and families have forced children, and continue to do so in this day and age, to write the 'right way'. Now we know from studies that this hand-switching causes psychological damage and trauma. Bed-wetting becomes one of the frequent results. Nervousness. Severe cases of Social anxiety and Depression in some individuals.

Classmates in middle school told me in confidence that such abominations were done to them. How they lost certain abilities, skills, and even talents once they were 'made' to become like everybody else.

"I used to be able to draw like you, Carmen. Ever since I was made right-handed, I can't do it anymore." Or "I could make something because my left hand could do this certain thing. Now, no more." Their tone sad. Their voices wistful. Grief on their faces. 

 

In recent memory, in recent times, and even when I tutored college and grade-school students, the torment and torture continues. Parents, caregivers, and guardians still forcing, involving binding the left hand to the side, behind the back, or even beating the 'offensive' hand.

I remember staying in Jamaica with relatives. I remember being in school when the nation still had corporal punishment. I remember a teacher watch me during drawing time and say with a note of irony, "You're left-handed."

"Yes, ma'am!" I said proudly and continued to draw a bird better than the rest of the class.

 

When I would get my hand paddled, those damn teachers made sure it was on my left hand. 

 

So yes, Right-hander offended by the brother who made that joke in Left-hander solidarity. He knew I would get it. The rest of you never will. Let us Lefties laugh at our pain because I can tell you, we've shed plenty of tears.

Thank God for actual God-fearing parents who are highly educated with heaps of common sense. And especially for a mother who believes that being left-handed meant 'chosen for a special task by God'. But she also had a left-handed brother. My left-handed uncle(RIP) used to call me 'Left-handed Crab'. And I have a nibling who is left-handed and is multi-talented, gifted, and quite athletic. 

 

And lefties have made many wins over history.

In sports. Left-handed baseball players were once highly-valued as rare players. "Southpaws" they were known. In prose, poetry, screenwriting, and other literary acts. The visual/graphic/performing arts.

Unfortunately, some notorious gunslingers in history also happened to be left-handed. Umm, you know what? You can have them. We lefties don't claim them.

We also have a holiday and a month! August 13th is Left-Hander's Day! And it began in 1976, my birth year! 

So... A holiday just for people of my dominate hand? And as old as I am? I don't believe in coincidences.

There are also global organizations that sell merchandise catered for us. Yet still to this day, I can't use lefty scissors. And I hated left-handed desks back in Catholic school. I remember classmates trying to be kind to offer me those desks but by then, I felt like a freak and didn't use them. THANK YOU, A-HOLES THAT BULLIED ME FOR MY DOMINANT HAND BEING DIFFERENT.

And once, our penmanship teacher showed me a special way to hold my paper so I could write cursive as well as the rest. When the other kids laughed, she shut them down with a remark that I could do things they couldn't. First teacher to stand up for me and my left-handedness.

 

However, when I started college and worked as a notetaker, those left-handed desks became lifesavers!

 

*Judges chapter 20 in verse 16* My mother takes pride I'm a lefty. She keeps bringing up Old Testament about how God wanted the temple built and He divinely touched certain folk, making them left-handed and talented. Each for specific jobs: Stone Mason, bricklayer, artisan, etc. 

"See? You can draw, write, tell stories. God always makes lefties have lots of talents." she told me.

 

My sister, though not a lefty, laments that only our parents, Dad(RIP), were the last to have good penmanship. However, I have made money writing calligraphy into documents and certificates. 

 

Therein lies another dilemma with us left-handed folks. We tend to create beautiful things but often, our personal handwriting is sort of trash. 

 

Can't win them all.